4. Lack of genuine interest. The thing about ‘interest’ is that, when you feel an interest inside and your focus is actually on the ideas that someone else is presenting, your whole body language changes. You begin to sub-communicate, at a very subtle level, signals of interest; your pupil dilation will change, your level of focus will be changed, your movements will be different. And these are things that other people will read very carefully at the unconscious level and be influenced by. So if your own signals, which are going out, are saying “I’m bored, I’m disinterested, I don’t want to know any more”, well the other people will respond to those signals by shutting down, or getting annoyed, or just losing interest in the conversation themselves.

5. Playing the wrong role inside of a relationship. Now, when two people relate to each other, their relative status will always be fluctuating. To some extent, someone will be a higher status, someone a lower status, and sometimes they’ll be of equal status.

Now, when I talk about status, this is not a value judgment. Someone who’s higher status does not necessarily mean that they are better people. It’s a role that’s being played.

For example, a teacher and a student: the teacher needs to have the higher status in order to be able to teach the student. The problem is that some people are inflexible, and they can only really relate to someone who is in a particular status.

But remember, the ‘pacing and leading’ principle means you move only as quickly as the other person can keep track of what you’re doing, and actually follow along.

6. The final mistake is something that very few people actually ever realise. This is the difference between what I call ‘deep rapport’ and ‘wide rapport’. Deep rapport is what everyone tries to establish. They try and drill down to the depth of a shared experience.

Let’s say that you and the person that you’re talking to both like motorbikes. And you spend hours and hours and hours talking about motorbikes and motorbike conventions. Now you would think that that was a good thing; that that now you would have a good relationship going.
Well actually, believe it or not, you’ve actually just shot yourself in the foot. Let’s take an example. Let’s imagine that you had a great teacher at school – someone that you really got on well with. And you loved going to this person’s lessons.

Now one day you’re in the supermarket, shopping with your mother, or perhaps you’re out with your friends, when this teacher – let’s call him Mr. Smith – comes along and starts talking to you, but outside of a school environment. Maybe he’s at a party and you’re at the same party.
How do you feel?

Well, if you’re like most people, you’ll feel a little bit awkward talking to this teacher, maybe in the supermarket or at a party. Why?

Because the rapport you have is contextualized; it only fits in one specific place. So, when you see the out of context, it somehow feels wrong, or unusual. This is a mistake that people make time and time again: The boss at work, the person working with clients.

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